Clement was my first ever have I had.

By Nyandano Tshikororo

I had a love I think I didn’t deserve. Time kept me praising how I thought he was, in the eye of the physical and the spiritual. So full of life on the outside, anger and arrogance on the inside being.

How did I ever thought of falling for Clement? I don’t know, but his soul seemed to be at peace and I was led by his charm, it felt like a new feel, a 21 year old dating a 42 year old divorcee. Okay, I don’t know how to explain the feeling but it felt like a new feel.

Nothing felt wrong, still doesn’t make it wrong, it was a time of a new feel.

Just like when my cousin had her dream wedding but they didn’t make it to the “till death separate us” part, she thought that was what she wanted for herself then. Ah man, the outside being is never fulfilled by all that this world carries.

Where do we go wrong, lol I mean where did I go wrong? No it was not him it was me, right?

I know it’s him. You know what he told me the last day we felt; “I think this thing won’t be a long term thing” I was like “man what do you mean?” I mean he’s on top of me and telling me that, oh God better help me not to pull him close to nut in me.

“Nyandano you’re young. Imagine introducing me to your mom, I do love you, I really do but you’re young”, he said. It has been 4 months already, and he only sees it now because of me never mentioning anything about cigarettes and now I smell like one.

I went silent, he went silent. But there was much more to what I thought it was. A fallen angel, she called herself “my big sister from another mother” I thought I was pushing her closer everytime I tell a lie to her but every lie I told to her ruined my everything with my Clemy to build for herself. Yes she did.

Let me tell you how I felt so low, and not good enough. Starting to compare our lives, what we have, what we are and what we do. I just went all down. Had to smoke 3 or 5 trying to come up with a plan. First thing most, I had to get a job, I was so used to “I just got back from campus”, somedays it’ll just be “No I was just indoors the whole day, didn’t have a class today”.

I got a job, funny how he kept insisting I should leave the job and focus on my studies, and myself on the other hand I was like, “Nah, I got this, don’t worry baby”.