Flash back, let me take you back how it all began. Hate to think of how I was so attached, how I believed so much in us but now we were once was.
I met this guy called Clement, online, lol not an online dating app just Facebook. I was never interested until he started stalking me online. Funny how I did the same thing, in my mind I was like “but he ain’t my type” and another thought was like ” what if I’m just assuming things”
But it was written all in his face; he was into me. I didn’t want to move fast, he wanted to move but he was unsure.
I gave the guy my number, and the very same day he called. “Hi, I’m Clement”, I went silent for a second. It was just a minute phone call but i was already in my feels, slowly but surely we went on and everything just seemed so good to be true.
I had a love I think I didn’t deserve. Time kept me praising how I thought he was, in the eye of the physical and the spiritual. So full of life on the outside, anger and arrogance on the inside being.
How did I ever thought of falling for Clement? I don’t know, but his soul seemed to be at peace and I was led by his charm, it felt like a new feel, a 21 year old dating a 42 year old divorcee. Okay, I don’t know how to explain the feeling but it felt like a new feel.
Nothing felt wrong, still doesn’t make it wrong, it was a time of a new feel.
Just like when my cousin had her dream wedding but they didn’t make it to the “till death separate us” part, she thought that was what she wanted for herself then. Ah man, the outside being is never fulfilled by all that this world carries.
Where do we go wrong, lol I mean where did I go wrong? No it was not him it was me, right?
I know it’s him. You know what he told me the last day we felt; “I think this thing won’t be a long term thing” I was like “man what do you mean?” I mean he’s on top of me and telling me that, oh God better help me not to pull him close to nut in me.
“Nyandano you’re young. Imagine introducing me to your mom, I do love you, I really do but you’re young”, he said. It has been 4 months already, and he only sees it now because of me never mentioning anything about cigarettes and now I smell like one.
I went silent, he went silent. But there was much more to what I thought it was. A fallen angel, she called herself “my big sister from another mother” I thought I was pushing her closer everytime I tell a lie to her but every lie I told to her ruined my everything with my Clemy to build for herself. Yes she did.
Let me tell you how I felt so low, and not good enough. Starting to compare our lives, what we have, what we are and what we do. I just went all down. Had to smoke 3 or 5 trying to come up with a plan. First thing most, I had to get a job, I was so used to “I just got back from campus”, somedays it’ll just be “No I was just indoors the whole day, didn’t have a class today”.
I got a job, funny how he kept insisting I should leave the job and focus on my studies, and myself on the other hand I was like, “Nah, I got this, don’t worry baby”.
One minute I’m looking at him, and the next I’m lost in the dark morning cloud leading to doubts and blames to self. Oh snap! how did I get here. Why do I always feel like I’m not good enough? Good enough for myself, good enough for everything, good enough for everyone.
I patiently waited for what I thought I imagined, quietly so peaceful but it eats me through a thought of believe and hope.
Until a goddess goes down on her knees let love find her, let her fall deeply in the moment. You’ll see her weak point. “Hi I’ve been trying to call you but you aren’t picking my calls, *Sigh* anyway I just called to say hi”. Know that alot is on her mind, it’s not just the the “Hi” she always say on those voice messages when she couldn’t reach thee.
Leave her. Let her heal and be the goddess she was before you.
Don’t call her and tell her you misses her, don’t call her and tell her all you’ve been through and went through together, it weakens her. Let her be the goddess she is without you.
I see the gone, I see the future and it all turns into illusion. I get frustrated, confused. Was it a thought, a wish, or a dream? Is it a vision?
The dead are my friends. I speak to them, they sing for me, we dance together even the times we don’t even know what and why we’re celebrating we just enjoy the moment. Weird right? I also find it weird; I can’t even tell it to my closest buddies anymore. Some think I’m crazy, some say I’m just making it up stories for attention. Well I’m too old to be making up such stories.
Are you a Ghost whisper? I’m not there yet but I feel them coming I hear them talking they’re saying something but I don’t seem to get.
It’s always the beginning of a life that brings joy to a memory of two folks and everyone else in the family. It’s a baby girl, it’s a baby boy, oh how happy everyone is. You all celebrate and thank God for the time you’ve waited for to a moment you never asked for.
A year pass. You celebrate again, and call that annual celebration ” a birthday”. Gather friends and family around and feast, and the more you grow the more the circle gets bigger and bigger. Careful of the life lessons in your circle. They can either help you utilize your time efficiently or negatively.
Some can even end your journey on this earth. Time doesn’t talk, you decide on what you want time to reap for you in the end so you don’t have regrets in the after life. Consequences, happy endings and achievements; time can tell those loudly and clear.
“Another year added”, another poor life choice added, speeds up the days of your life. Some will say it was Time, No. The truth is you speeded up your time before it was time, now you’ve moved with time, and it left nothing but memories to cherish until it’s our time to follow.
On set, feeling steady and ready; time is no one’s friend especially in this life.
I’ve come to accept that God is the DJ, and life is the dance floor, Yet, No amount of transpose could lead to the strain that I feel after hearing that the fat lady has sung, It feels like an aux cable has been yanked out midway through a song,
The thought of you has become a pace-setter that alters my hearts BPM, My mind has since been spinning like a vynal disc after the drop of the pin, I keep subconsciously turning the disc back to replay all the memories we shared, And if I could translate these memories into chords, i would finger-pick them by ear,
Yet, it doesn’t feel enough, If there where vocals that could capture your peculiar choice of words and thoughts, If there were drum sticks that could tell of the way that you marched to the beat of you own drum ,
If there were sound effects that catured the True essence of your impact on every atmosphere that you stepped in, That would be music to my ears, That would be the Dub-step that I would keep on repeat
Lights on, lights off. Your journey started here, and ending to infinity. Unrealistic expectations all in your thoughts, stays there with you.
We think it’s the end of ye but it’s only a new beginning of a new body, new feels, and energies. The pain is real and words aren’t enough on our side. How is it on that side?
Are you at peace? How does it feel to be on the infinite side of life? If you were given a chance to come back would you? I get you, I wouldn’t too. There’s just too much to weigh and weigh on you. So much to take care of, so much to think of.
How far are you? Are you wandering around us? *Sigh* hold us by the hand and never let got. I know that just a story for another day. There’s nothing left for you here but there’s actually alot of unfilled gaps.
Just waking up in the morning gives me energy. It’s 07h30 but I feel like I could wake everyone with kisses and a huges.
I always find myself in a place were everyone be asking me where do I get my energy from. They always say say “Morphy you always energetic, were do you get your energy from?” I find it really funny because alot people are hyped up by tangible things, and they wait for others on their “Joy”
Waking up in the morning gives me “Joy” and my gratefulness praises be the energy everyone be asking about. I don’t wake up with alot of energy I wake up with a grateful heart. Thankful for a life alot wished for but never got a chance to breath till this very moment.
And how your energy is depend on energies around you. What are you consuming? Friends and family members around you, they can either impact your life positively or negatively.
Recreating your perspective on life, growth, and time is something one should start considering. Life is beautiful. Cherish the day you see a sun rising and a sun setting, a full moon, half and quarter moon in the sky. Just don’t misuse your time.
It all begins with you. What makes you energetic? Things of this world or things that made this world?
Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.
By Nyandano Tshikororo
I am here. Having to type things I never know where they are coming from, are these my long hidden thoughts?
I adore, and cherish every little thing, for I know nothing lasts forever even people fade away. I’m not in my right state of mind, bad habits ruining my relationships but I know the more they leave the more I stick to my habits. Oh Lord help me.
Death. Death will be the lesson I have to learn at this young but old age, though it has never been my friend but I feel like I should learn to live with it these days.
So many numbers of our loved ones fading but crashing our hearts with dreadful cries. Memories made and paused but continuing in our inside out world. Imagining how your journey is like on the other side. Can you see me? Do you hear us?
Blindly day dreaming and the pain is really sinking in day by day and people telling us to accept. Accept what? Pain? Lol no this ain’t pain, this should just be a life lesson that everybody be learning everyday.
People come and go. We come from dust and return to dust.
But we don’t use our time essentially, that is why we hurt more.
Life is short. Time ticks every second of your breath, use it wisely.
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